


I was never welcomed here

by orphan_account



Category: Batman (Comics), DCU (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Hurt/Comfort, I feel like i rushed Damian finding out, M/M, Meh, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, whatever
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2014-02-01
Packaged: 2018-01-05 15:44:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1095759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Let me see your wrist” Damian snapped.</p><p>“Wha- Why- No.” Tim sputtered.</p><p>“Your wrists, Drake. Let me see them.” Damian sounded frantic and angry, like someone had just stepped on his cat, and Tim took a breath,</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Follow you into the dark

 

Its all a matter of breathing and reminding himself its just another few days. Just a couple of days until Tim can sees his friends. They’re more of a family than his ‘real’ family at this point. Dick and Jason and Damian and Steph, he’s never felt farther from them. All Dick and Jason do is fight, all Damian does is belittle Tim, Stephanie is just kind of there. Its got to the point he can’t even be around them, less the pain overwhelm him. After patrol, he went to his apartment; he doubted they noticed or cared where he went. Just a few days of Gotham. He had gotten this down to an art.

Tim hated the feeling of being in Gotham. There was nothing for him there anymore, just sadness, memories of when he actually mattered, and emptiness. He cant recall the last time he heard Dick laugh, Its been replaced by Bart’s high pitched giggle. He can’t remember Bruce’s smile, Cassie’s bright smirk takes its place. He can’t even remember the feel of Stephanies hands, Kon’s strong grip took over that one.

Cassie, Bart, Kon. They’re his family who have been there for him from the beginning. Raven and Rose and Gar, people he’d never thought he would come to care about. They’re his friends who have his back no matter what. He wished he could see them all the time. At least he had Kon to visit him on some patrol nights, usually when he felt the most lonely. Kon’s amazingly intuitive like that, especially when it came to Tim. Those visits made it so much easier for Tim to make it through the week. Reminds him he isn’t better off dead when his thoughts turn dangerous.

Sometimes, like  tonight, its the blade that keeps him from breaking. Its like he’s cutting himself open, and all the pain inside of him can escape into the night air. He’d made the mistake of going back to the manor that night, and after an hour of yelling, ran upstairs to ‘his’ room. There was already a scarlet line on his left wrist, and he made a second one just below it, engulfed in the smell of blood and the feel of the blade. Tim remembered what Damian called him, and carved it into his skin. ‘Weak disgrace.’ Its ironic, because it was like he was proving Damians point by doing this. Kon would probably call him in a day or so, and Tim will cry and say he’s sorry, and Kon will tell him one moment of weakness means nothing, and how much it hurts him, Bart and Cassie when he hurts himself.

Fuck Tim cursed. I don’t have a rag or anything to stop the bleeding. As it was, the blood was dripping down and puddling. He gripped his wrist tighter and ran down the stairs, praying he didn’t leave a trail of blood in his wake. There’s a rag within reach, and he grabbed it, wiping up the excess blood and wrapping it around the scars.

“Drake?”

Tim’s eyes widened and he called back up, voice shaking “Yeah, Damian?”

The boy, much to Tim’s fear, walked into the light of the kitchen with a scowl on his face. Tim immediately tossed the rag behind him in hopes Damian wouldn’t realize what was going on. Damian raised an eyebrow and crossed the kitchen, advancing towards Tim. He reached behind him and took the rag that was now bloody, inspecting it.

“Drake, what the hell are you getting so tense about? We get hurt, we bleed, its what we-” The youngest robin stopped, and eyed Tim’s wrist, now hidden behind his back discreetly.

“Let me see your wrist” Damian snapped.

“Wha- Why- No.” Tim sputtered.

“Your wrists, Drake. Let me see them.” Damian sounded frantic and angry, like someone had just stepped on his cat, and Tim took a breath. He brought up his clean wrist, showing it to the boy, who just scoffed.

“The other one, Drake.”

Tim slowly brought up his still blood stained wrists, and Damian looked and sounded pissed now. “How stupid are you? Do you actually think you have it bad?”

“Damian, dont start with me.” Tim yelled back  You don’t know what i’ve gone through and what i’ve lost-”

“Your best friends, who are now alive, Your girlfriend, who is alive and well now, and my father, who is also alive at the moment. All you’ve really lost is your parents.”

And he was right, but the pain from the losses remained locked inside of Tim, bubbling and festering until they pooled over. “Look, I’m not going to open up and tell you how wrong you are, but my business is mine.What do you even know about loss?” he immediately wanted to take it back.

Damian’s hands curled into fists and Tim was almost sure Damian was going to hit him. He wouldn’t blame the boy “Are you even thinking? I’ve had to change my entire way of thinking and living just to get approval.”

“Oh boo hoo the baby assassin can’t kill anymore.” Tim sneered back, mostly in anger, but in spite as well.

“Drake, if you’re going to kill yourself, then do it and be done with it. Dont make us wait.” the boy cut back, and stormed out of the room. Regret filled Damian, but he didn’t go back. Just went to his room to try and sleep.

Tim was left alone, like so many other times. Damian’s words stuck with him again. Who would really care? Kon Bart and Cassie had each other, and the family seemed to be getting along fine without him. Hell, they’d probably all be thankful, Tim thought. Pills would probably be easiest, It would more than likely take them a while to even notice his absence after that. Tim walked back upstairs, thoughts still fuzzy as he tried to sort out the details in his head. He wasn’t even thinking of Kon or his friends now. All he was thinking of was those words: ‘Don’t make us wait.’

It wasn't hard to find the pills (Alfred made no attempt to hide them from the rest of the family) and when he did, the realization of what he was planning hit him hard, but didn't stop him. Tim’s fears of running into someone (namely Damian) were short lived, as the closer he made it to his room, the more his thoughts took hold, and the less he cared.

He made it to his room, and sat on the bed. As he downed the pills, there was only one name on his mind: Kon.

The sleepiness was starting to set in, but Tim took his phone and dialed Kon’s number. After a few rings, a voice answered

“Hey, Tim. You doing alright?”

A sadness overwhelmed Tim as the pills took hold and pulled him in farther

“M’fine. Can’t sleep.” His voice didn’t sound like his, but it could just be the sleepiness, or maybe the pills were messing with his perception.

Kons laugh rang in his ears, sounding so far away. “Want me to sing you a song?”

A smile spread over Tim. He could feel himself drifting. “Yeah. That’d be perfect”

“Okay then. ‘ _Love of mine, someday you will die. But i'll be close behind, i'll follow you into the dark. No blinding lights, tunnels to gates of white, just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for a hint of a spark_.’

The song was one Tim knew, but he was too drowsy to remember the name of. He let himself be lulled by Kon’s voice.

_‘If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, illuminate the no’s on their vacancy signs. If theres no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I will follow you into the dark.’_

A sob escaped Tim, and Kon stopped immediately “Tim? Are you okay?”

“I-Im fine. Kon, I cut again today.”

Kon sighed “Tim. Its okay, it doesn’t mean anything. You did really well this time. It was almost a month.”

Tim drew in a breath “Kon. Im so sorry.”

“Its okay, Tim...Hey, Tim?”

“Kon?” Tim whispered

“I love you.”

“Love you too. So much.” and Tim slipped into sleep

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It wasn’t long before Dick found Tim, lying on his bed.

“Hey. Tim. You asleep?” The eldest boy opened the door a crack. “Damian told me about…” Dick trailed off  “We need to talk.”

Tim remained still, and Dick opened the door wide and stepped in “Tim?” A stone cold fear rushed over him, and he ran to where Tim was lying, pill bottle still in his hand.

“Tim, Tim please. Wake up!” He shook his baby brother, then took a calming breath that didnt seem to wor. “Tim if this is a joke I will kick your ass.”

Nothing.

Finally, Dick had sense enough to check Tim’s pulse. Weak, but existent. “Baby bird? Please wake up.” Dick wiped a tear falling from his cheek. “Im sorry I haven’t been around lately. Im a jerk brother.”

It was the hardest thing he’d ever done, telling Alfred what had happened. Dick had only ever seen that look on the man’s face once: when he received news that Jason had died.

Damian was quiet. Just looking at his feet while Stephanie cried. Jason had gone to help Dick move Tim over to the medical room. Alfred was talking to an overseas Bruce and Cassandra.

After Tim was in the medical room, Dick  picked up Tims phone, which had fallen from his hand as he fell asleep. He dialed Kon’s number, then Barts.


	2. The night (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stephanie’s voice was sharp, angry, accusing “When was the last time you both talked?”. Even Jason turned to look at her in shock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW IM SO SORRY I SUCK AT UPDATING AND WRITING IN GENERAL.

It took Kon and Bart minutes to get to the manor, both of them looking like wrecks.

 

Dick had been waiting for the two, and when they got there, he couldn’t help but ask

 

“Do you know why he’d-” Dick cut himself off. “Im sorry, I. I just don't know.”

 

Kon remained quiet, looking everywhere but at the eldest. Bart just shook his head, like he just refused to acknowledge that his best friend was hurt. After a moment of chilling silence, Kon spoke up “He felt like he wasn’t wanted here. Tim told me, always told me how he didn’t want to come back after the weekend.”

 

Everything seemed to fall around Dick. His brother, his little brother. Hiis fault. “What? Why would he even think that?” he said solemnly

 

Stephanie’s voice was sharp, angry, accusing “When was the last time you both talked?”. Even Jason turned to look at her in shock. “Tim couldn’t take it, Dick. Couldn’t take the fighting, the insults.” She had little room to talk, ignoring Tim, just letting him come and go without regard to where he was going.

 

Dick shook his head, and he wasn’t sure at what. At the accusations? He couldn’t even deny that he and Jason had been at each others throats since the younger had returned “Don't. Don't blame me for this” Dick replied helplessly, nothing else to say.

 

It was Stephanies turn to shake her head “I'm not blaming you, but you were ignoring him.”

 

“And what were you doing exactly?” Dick snapped

 

Stephanies fingers curled into her palm, and she stormed off.

 

The room went quiet with that, everyone retreating to their thoughts, blaming themselves.

_“Dick, Can I talk to you?” Tim called from the stairs. The eldest was shuffling around, looking for material to stitch Damians wounds with_

_“I’m a little busy right now.” He called back. Tim could manage his own stitches. He was a big boy after all._

_“Um. Alright” Tim replied quietly. He'd been expecting an answer like that._

_Tim had moved to the dining room not long after hastily stitching himself, not hearing Jasons footsteps behind him until the latter's voice rang out._

_“Those look sloppy. The Bat never teach you to do your own?”_

_Tim turned and blinked at the eldest “Its hard when its on your shoulder blade.”_

_“So get Dickie to do it”_

_“He’s busy” Tim said quickly._

_“Oh I see. Its not so easy being the one replaced, is it?” Jason sneered. Tim went ridged._

_“I don't know what you mean, Jason.” Tim said back, his voice managing to stay steady._

_A huff of laughter came from the latter. “I know you do. Just a matter of time before they forget you completely”_

_Tim walked out of the room, going up the stairs and to the room._

_He passes Stephanie on the way up, barely noticing her. “Okay.” the girl shrugged “nice to see you too I guess.”_

 

Looking back, there were so many signs and so many red flags Dick had pointedly ignored because he didn’t to admit that maybe Tim was on the edge. There was Tim getting himself in more and more danger, disregarding basic safety, there were the wraps he kept on his wrists, the disappearance right after patrol. It was so painfully in Dicks face, it curled and made him want to vomit.

 

Kon had moved to sit next to Tim’s beside with Stephanie, Bart right beside him. His eyes were filled with a sadness that rarely filled the golden eyes. Tims hand was an icy cold, but Kon held onto it, like if he let go, Tim would be gone.That thought was enough to squeeze Tims hand. They all wanted and needed Tim like a life preserver, little did they know Tim himself was drowning. Tim was so important to them, and in the misdirected anger and the constant reminder he had been replaced, they’d lost him, even if he was still alive.The soft beeping of the heart monitor was a constant ring in their ears,mocking them.

 

_“Kon can I be honest about something?”_

_“Duh, dude. Thats the point of being best friends” Kon smiled_

_“Do you ever not want to go back?” Tims face was stern, but it also appeared like he was daydreaming_

_“Like, after the weekends? Sometimes when Im having way too much fun. You alright?”_

_Tim turned to look at Conner, face softening “I don't know.”_

Time passed, and the energy in the room began to settle down into a quiet sadness, one that made Bart fiddle around even more than usual. (He never was good at sitting and waiting) Dick was use to speedsters, so he understood the boys nerves.

 

“He’ll be fine, Bart.” There was no response from the boy. Just silence. Ugly silence like seaweed in an ocean, tangling everyone who got near enough.

 

After what seemed like hours, Kon felt a twitch in his hands that grew into a weak grip. He looked up at Tim, whose eyes were opening slowly, fidgeting a bit.

 

Barts smile grew “Tim’s waking up!” he called. Soon Damian, Jason, Stephanie and Dick were crowding around the bedside.

  
“Baby bird. Thank god.” Dick smiled ‘You’re okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In regards to other fics: Im gonna try to finish this one up and then i'l work on the others. If I delete a fic either A) I want to rewrite it and make it not sucky or B) Its been officially abandoned.


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